One on One Time

Sorry it’s been a few days since my last post. Wow, that felt vaguely reminiscent of confession…

Anyway… I was having a conversation with a girlfriend today about never having enough time to do stuff. Her “stuff” was working out. She said she feels like she can’t leave work in the middle of the day to workout (which is what I do, when I can…) and she doesn’t want to miss out on time with her little one at home. So, she’s stuck trying to find time for herself. Not to mention, she’s married and I’m sure she wants special time with her hubby too!

That conversation led me into my evening with my kids. They’ve been with me since Thursday. Our custody agreement has us swapping out every other weekend and they go with their dad on Wednesdays and every other Tuesday. Confused? Yeah, me too.

While tucking my boys into bed (my daughter was taking a shower), my kindergartener asks me, “Mom, when can we have a kid and mom date? Just the two of us.” Now, lets look at the sheer logistics of this request: I have my kids every other weekend and most school nights. When does that leave time for one on one dates with each child? Hell, when does that leave time for one on one time at all with each kid? Besides that moment tonight while I tucked him in, I can’t recall time we’ve been able to just sit and talk, just the two of us. The same goes for my daughter. (We’ll be having mommy/daughter time in the morning for a bit, assuming she wants to wake up.) My toddler gets a little chunk of alone time with me every morning after we drop the big kids off at day care.

My kindergartener’s request for a Mom and kid date was not the only tear-jerker that came out of his mouth tonight. He asked me if I could “cancel work” and stay home with him. He said I could “home school” and then corrected himself to say “home work” so I could spend more time with them. Lets just stick that knife a little further into mommy’s heart, shall we?

My question for you parents is this: How do you accommodate one on one time with your kids, when there’s more than one kid?

The Best Interest of the Children

You have a choice right now. I will give you a fun little tidbit a girlfriend shared about her three-year old and Christmas day. You can choose to read that and stop. Or, you can read on. Now, if you choose to continue, this post will not be funny. It will be heart wrenching. I’m likely to cry while writing it. You may cry while reading it.

Here’s the fun tidbit:

My friend’s three-year old daughter got a rocket ship from her grandpa this Christmas. It had everything a rocket ship would need, including a latrine. She put some little toy people in it, along with baby Jesus from the nativity scene. As she was about to blast that thing to outer space she screams: “Stop the rocket! Jesus has to go potty!”

There was your fun. Here comes the heart ache. Again, feel free not to read.

Today was my court hearing for my dissolution. For the last few days, weeks, months, we’ve been hammering out details over who gets the kids when and for how long. It’s always been about “What’s in the best interests of the children.”

These last two weeks have been incredibly stressful. In addition to it being the first Christmas my children won’t wake up to Mommy and Daddy, I’ve had the stress of changing paperwork and coming to last-minute agreements on custody. At the beginning of all this, I was a stay at home mom. The prospect of not spending even a single day around my children was sickening. It still is. However, I’ve done my research and I know the importance of making sure children have the love and attention of both parents. I have no desire to deny them of that. But, then it goes right back to what’s in their best interests. Do you know?

If you had to, right now, decide what is in the best interests for your kids if you and your spouse divorced today, would you be able to make that decision? If you decide it’s better for them to be with you most of the time, are you resigning your children to spend a few of their adult years sitting on the couch of a counselor’s office talking about why their life sucked because they didn’t get enough time with their other parent? Are you okay with denying the other parent time with their children?

Whatever you decide in this instant isn’t just a today matter. This is “what’s in the best interest of the children” until they graduate high school. No pressure. Just decide. Right now.

Do you remember when you first brought your newborn home from the hospital and you would just sit there, staring in amazement, watching your baby sleep? How about a few months or years later, when you went back to work and you would creep in and gaze at them in their crib because you’d been away from them all day long? Or when you get home from a long day at the office and they charge at you, giddy to see you and you wrap them up in your arms and squeeze them just a little longer because you’ve missed their sweet little face? Now imagine that slipping away from you.

Just a hug gone here. A kiss gone there. One by one, they melt away.

I pondered, agonized over what was in “the best interest of my children” for the last several months. I’m not sure I even have an answer now. I just want what’s best for them. God only knows.

I’ve been told it’s selfish to want them more than half of the time. I’ve been told I’m not trying hard enough to get them longer than half the time. I’ve been told it’s my decision and to pray on it. I’ve been told a lot of things and yet here I am, still wondering if what I signed in court today was in the best interest of my kids.

It turns my stomach to do the math and think of all the days, weeks, months and years I’ll miss from their lives. Tonight, I tried to turn a stressful day into something fun. My daughter put a face mask on me. Chocolate and honey were involved. The baby wanted some on his face, too. My kindergartener wanted to play “The Wiggles” game, which we did until he got pissed that he wasn’t winning and stormed downstairs. He’s since told me I’m not allowed in his room anymore. Then he apologized. Then he demanded to know why he was the only one in the house to have to do chores. Now he’s flopping angrily in his bed. My daughter went to bed with the classic “But, MOM!” words spilling out of her mouth, over the injustice of having to go to sleep. My toddler is grumpily laying in his bed shouting “NO!” repeatedly. It’s his new favorite word.

Even these frustrating memories are ones I cherish. Now more than ever. Moms and Dads out there- all I can tell you is hug your babies. You never really know how much those hours count.

Christmas Eve Traditions : The New American Family

In years past, Christmas eve has meant going to midnight mass, leaving cookies out for Santa, getting to open one present before bed and then frantically wrapping presents before the kids wake up in a few short hours.

This year, I’m sharing time with my kids. My ex has them today. I get them after church tonight. In place of sitting around, sadly missing my kiddos, I’m going to my boyfriend’s brother’s house to meet his nieces. Then, we’re going to dinner at his ex’s to see his youngest son. After that, we’ll go to church where I’ll get to see my kids… and my ex and his girlfriend.

Christmas eve is getting a new round of traditions thanks to divorce and custody calendars. One thing remains the same (beyond the love for my kids and celebrating the birth of baby Jesus) — I’ll still be up late wrapping presents.

What Christmas eve traditions are you looking forward to?

Sibling Induced Stage Fright

Next month, parents everywhere will endure children’s “winter festival” performances at schools. “Winter festival,” of course means, in all non-PC lands, CHRISTMAS! Anyway, I digress…

I use the word “endure” purposely. Don’t get me wrong. Watching your sweet and adorable child sing and dance “Winter Wonderland” is great. You’ll get the camera (okay, iPhone, whatever…) out and capture those precious moments for all eternity. Or at least until they go to prom and you can embarrass them fully in front of their date. It’s not those minutes while your child performs that you have to endure. It’s the hour or so of other kids singing and dancing. Maybe this makes me a Grinch, but sometimes it’s nearly intolerable. Now, my children’s private school is awesome. The performances are great. Very entertaining. It’s the public school performances where I wanted nothing but to quietly sneak out.

Anyway…. my 3rd grader has the upper hand on all this public entertaining business. She’s done the stage thing for a few years in school performance after school performance. Her younger brother- my kindergartener, is experiencing this all for the first time. And she knows it. Oh how she knows it.

In the minivan the other day, on the way to school, they were talking about what they were looking forward to that day. (A tradition we’ve started in our morning commute.) My son mentioned he was looking forward to play practice. The following conversation ensued:

My daughter: “Oh, so you want to practice for the play, huh?”

My son: “Yeah, it’s going to be so cool!”

“Yeah, I remember my first school performance,” she reminisces. “I was really nervous… but I’m sure you’ll be just fine.”

“What? Is it scary?” asks my son.

“You’re in front of lots of people and you hope you won’t mess up. But, I’m sure you’ll be fine…” she says.

 

Seriously? The taunting has now gone to the levels of inducing stage fright in an otherwise extremely confident child? Great. Thanks. Sibling rivalry at its finest….