They Call them ‘Fun Bags’ for a Reason

My youngest son is three. He likes trucks and dinosaurs, cars, harassing his big brother and sister, snuggling, reading books and boobs. Yes, he loves boobs.

I breastfed him until he was just shy of two years old. But I know plenty of women who breastfed until that age with no negative side effects. I’m not saying breastfeeding is to blame. I’m just giving some background as to why he has so much experience with them at the ripe old age of three.

Often times, we’ll be reading a book and he’ll ask to sit on my lap, “criss cross apple sauce.” He’ll shimmy his body back, further and further until his head has come to rest between the built-in mommy headrest. Other times, if he falls or gets hurt in some way, he’ll come for a comforting hug. Once his body is close to mine, he’ll lower his head until it’s right at motor-boating level. It’s bad when kissing your son goodnight starts to feel like the end of a very awkward date.

Last weekend, my mom watched our kids for a night. She called me a few days later to tell me about something that had happened at the store. They’d walked in and saw one of those mannequin witches – the ones with sensors in them that cackle and move when you walk by. My mom explained that as my youngest son was walking by, the witch started to move. He stopped. I thought she was going to say he started to cry or maybe that he hit the doll. Nope. My son reached over, pulled her dress up and felt her boobs. The woman behind the counter and my mother began nervously laughing together. I wasn’t even there and my face was bright red just hearing about it!

Have I mentioned that my son likes boobs? A lot. He’ll walk by me and point to them saying, “Boobs!” as loud as he can. Unless he’s practicing to be the stereotypical New York construction worker, I’m certain this is not a good thing.

I’ve explained that this is not appropriate behavior and that he can’t go grabbing, groping, cat-calling women. What’s worse – I think he thinks it’s funny. Of course, it doesn’t help that when he does grab at them or holler out the word, “boobs,” most people start laughing.

I dread the day he makes his love of breasts known at preschool. I can just imagine that phone call….

How would you handle the breast-obsession?

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The Hazards of Holding Kids

I’ve never dropped any of my babies on their heads. I have, however, dropped things on their heads. Accidentally, of course! There are these unsuspecting hazards of holding kids. Things you don’t expect to happen, until they do.

I’m working the Morning Show shift again. So, yesterday, when I went home, I spent much of the day in bed. Thank God for teenage relatives with tons of energy who can keep up with my three kids when I can’t! While those teens are good for lots of things, they can’t nurse my baby boy to sleep. And he’ll hold out. Believe me. I could hear the grump-level rising from the next room. I brought the baby to my room and let him sleep nurse while I sat there, partially comatose from this bizarre shift. So, while I’m half-sitting, half-laying down, my cousin brings me a bowl of Velveeta Shells and Cheese. I precariously eat this over the baby, until it happens. A shell falls on his little arm, leaving an orangish fake cheese goo skid. What do I do? What would you do? I was hungry and tired. I ate it.

The noodle is, by far, not the worst thing I’ve dropped on this kiddo. Moms have to multitask if we ever want to get anything done. Often at nap time, I check my email. I’m usually doing this while side nursing. I’m propping my iPhone in one hand while my other arm is tucked under the baby. It doesn’t take much to drop it. (The phone, not my toddler.) And, my boy is not a big fan of having a smart phone smack into him mid feeding. I can’t imagine it would feel that pleasant!

This is just one hazard of holding kids. There’s a promo for an NBC show right now where the Dad character is changing the baby’s diaper saying “How are you stronger than me?!” It’s so true. They get this super human toddler strength somehow. And, oh! What about the good old back flailing? When they throw themselves away from you when you least expect it? That’s a fun one.  When you’re learning to be a parent, you know not to drop the baby. That’s basic. But, no one ever tells you it’s not that easy! It’s like trying to wrestle a greased salmon!

I think we’ve all been dropped a few times when we were infants. So, I don’t think I’m asking too much here… give me your best Child Holding Hazard stories. I know you’ve got one!

Too Young To Breastfeed?

I am deliriously tired. So, give me a break if this only makes partial sense.

I’m filling in today, producing the first half hour of The Morning Show at Channel 2. That means, I had to be here at midnight. That also means, I had to attempt to sleep a little during the day yesterday with my three kids wandering around the house. (My cousins watched them. They had supervision.) As you might expect, I didn’t get much sleep once the kids discovered I was in my bedroom.

So, I’m putting together this half hour of news and I stumble across this intriguing story out of Indiana about the controversy of a new baby doll, one you can breastfeed. It’s called “The Breast Milk Baby” and it’s being unveiled in the US this weekend. It’s sold millions in Europe already.

The doll is designed for kids as young as two. Here’s a description from WNDU’s story: “A GIRL PUTS ON A HALTER TOP, AND THE DOLL SUCKS ON TWO APPLIQUÉS. SENSORS ACTIVATE MOTIONS AND SUCKLING SOUNDS ONCE IT ATTACHES. IT CRIES WHEN IT NEEDS BURPING TOO.”

Critics say it’s too graphic for young children. They claim it will promote teen pregnancy. In two-year olds?

Advocates of the doll says it’s mimicking a natural event. Kids play baby all the time. They feed their babies bottles. So, what’s the difference?

What do you think? Two may be too young to breastfeed, but is it too young to pretend?

Breastfeeding: A Real Pain in the Boob

I’m writing an article for a local magazine about the challenges of breastfeeding. You know, sore nipples, breasts as hard as rocks, the early stuff. What kind of woes should I discuss? I’m looking for a top ten. Again, these are just the early breastfeeding days woes.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that business out-of-the-way… lets talk about the latter woes of breastfeeding. My 18 month old son, who has a mouth full of teeth, shows no sign of stopping breastfeeding any time soon. This concerns some people, who give me the look like Salma Hayek’s character gave the mom in “Grown Ups” when she said her breastfeeding son was 48 months old. My kid is not four. He’s still a baby, for Pete’s sake!

The World Health Organization encourages mothers to breast feed until their child is two. To some, this seems obscene. I love the bond breastfeeding provides. I’m able to offer my baby boy comfort and nutrition and antibodies, all at once. Take that, Formula! But, it has its drawbacks, at times. For one, I want my boobs back. It’s hard being someone else’s food source. Secondly, I hate pumping. Hate it. But, if I didn’t, I’d explode when I’m not around him. Third, I want a full night’s sleep. When my kids are with my ex, he’s able to get him to sleep. And keep him asleep. Without boobs. But, when the baby is with me, he will not sleep unless he’s nursing.

I know teaching your child to self soothe is crucial. Well, I missed that step. So, now what??

I don’t want to stop nursing entirely. I just want an eight-hour stretch of sleep. Okay. That may be asking too much. How about six hours? I’d take just six hours.

Last night, I’d had my max of nursing in the night. I tried to detach. It woke him up. I tried soothing him. Nope. He screamed. I rocked him. He screamed. I held him. He screamed. He fell asleep eventually. It took a long, long time.

Help with this one, folks. And, please do send me your breastfeeding woes from your early days.

Breastfeeding: A real pain in the breast

My breast is throbbing. And not in the Romance Novel kind of way.

My toddler has a full set of teeth. He’s dangerous. If you piss him off, he’ll show you what he’s made of. Ask his siblings. They’ve both tasted his wrath. Actually, he’s tasted them. I’ve written before about his biting. Typically, he just bites me. And he hasn’t been doing much of that lately.

The problem is, he has a cough. So, while we were just laying down and he was nursing off to sleep, he started coughing. And when he did so- he caught my nipple in his teeth. It hurt like a son of a you know what. But, if you’re anything like me, once you have a baby asleep you try anything and everything to keep them asleep. So, while it hurt like hell, I stifled my cries in attempt to get him to stay sleeping.

Then, he coughed again. And bit down again. The third time he did it, I yanked away as he started to cough. I looked down. Blood everywhere. All over me. And then I looked at him. He was like a little Count Dracula.

You know, when you are pregnant they tell you all about the joys of nursing. They help you through those first few weeks of latching on and sore nipples and then you’re on your own. Mastitis? Clogged ducts? Throbbing, red and swollen breast? Ladies, did you ever see any of that advertised when they told you the joys of having babies? NO! No one ever mentions you might just lose a nipple one day! (Mine is still here, hanging on…)

Surely you have a few tales of breastfeeding woe to share? And don’t even get me started on the whole “your boobs will never be the same again” complaints… (Feel free to say it yourself though!)