I’m Wearing Mommy Panties

I’m wearing mommy panties.

Let’s define “mommy panties,” shall we?

Mommy panties: (noun) Underwear that: could easily be mistaken for men’s briefs (minus the added bulge), is often purchased in a clear-plastic sleeve containing at least 5 pairs of identical underwear, acquired at a big-box store and is by no means considered sexy. *Not to be confused with “Granny Panties.”

You know why I’m willing to bet you’re wearing mommy panties, too? Because you probably buy your children’s underoos in bulk, as well. And, you want to wait to buy those cute little Victoria Secret panties until you’ve “lost those last few pounds.” Or, you’ve been married so long now it doesn’t matter what you wear. Or, you’re just too frugal to spend $15 for a single pair of underwear that your dog is likely to drag out of the laundry basket and destroy anyway.

So, it’s come to this. A choice of white, black or grey, nondescript, formless, shapeless, asexual underwear purchased in a plastic sleeve at a store where I can also buy three gallons of milk in one convenient container.

The deal is – I bought these underwear that are horrible because I went to store after store trying to buy cute panties but I’m too damned cheap to buy them. So, in desperation and frustration, I bought the plastic sleeve. They are horrible – but not as horrible as when my husband pointed out that they were pretty darn ugly.

I want to be the girl who matches the underwear to the bra but I don’t have the time or the money or the energy to be that woman.
So, I’m wearing mommy panties.
And I feel like it’s a slippery slope into granny panties.

 

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