Perfect Pregnant People

I saw a woman today. I’ve seen her a couple of times now. She works at a coffee shop. She is pregnant. Cute pregnant. You know, the kind you smile at and then secretly envy. She told me she’s 31 weeks along, but she looks like I did when I just peed on the stick with my third child. She is what I like to call a Perfect Pregnant Person.

These women are a high-breed. They are the same women who sneeze and pop out a baby. (Thank you, film version of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” for displaying this phenomenon so well.) While I am happy for them, I am also jealous. Envious that their pregnancies make it look so darn easy!

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED LOVED LOVED being pregnant, but it certainly had its drawbacks. I could fill an entire post with the great parts, and I probably will some day, but for now, indulge me as I list the things that suck in pregnancy when you are not a Perfect Pregnant Person. Oh, and feel free to comment with your own!

***IMPORTANT EDITOR NOTE – I AM NOT NOT NOT PREGNANT!!!!****

1. Cankles (my friend and coworker used to call me the Michelin Man)
2. Back fat
3. Incontinence (wait, that’s the one that means you pee yourself and not the one where you can’t get it up, right?)
4. Boob leakage
5. Boob leakage at really inopportune times
6. Farting
7. Heart burn
8. Not being able to see past your own stretch-marked stomach
9. Stretch marks
10. Stretch marks on your boobs
11. Hip pain that wakes you up in the dead of the night
12. Nothing fits
13. Feet have gotten fatter, too???
14. Hairy belly
15. The roly-poly game you have to partake in, in order to get out of bed
16. Constant exhaustion
17. Random smells make you want to vomit
18. Brushing your teeth makes you want to vomit
19. Vomiting in random places
20. People asking you how far along you are…. weeks after you’ve had your baby.