Introducing the New 3:00am Universal Policy

It’s 3:00am, you’ve just been awakened by a small child who has peed the bed. You get up, calculating in your mind how many precious minutes of sleep you will have remaining, assuming you are able to:

  1. Clean off said child
  2. Strip the sheets
  3. Redress the child
  4. Remake the bed
  5. Get child back to bed, calmed down and asleep

Once the child is calm, you crawl back to your bed, pull the covers up and, it seems, moments later the alarm clock goes off. Time to get up!

I propose we create a Universal 3:00am Policy or 3:00am Universal Policy, whichever makes it past the focus groups.

This policy would allow for parents to press a button (technology to follow after passing of policy) that would send an automatic email to your employer saying, “My child has (insert name of situation that has awoken you at 3:00am). I will be in (insert amount of time you stayed up helping child and then not being able to fall back to sleep as your mind starts wandering about work tasks and household chores and bills that need to be paid and the state of the economy and whether they’ll cure all the world’s horrible diseases in your lifetime and if your kids will grow up okay and get good jobs and be happy and that’s what really matters, right? that they’re happy and whether they’ll want to have kids because remember the other day when your son said he never wanted to have kids and that got you thinking and worried that maybe it was something you’d done that made him think that way and what about the homework – you signed off on everything, right?) later this morning.”

The second part of this policy is the universal forgiveness factor. This amount of work time lost would not be counted against you in any way. Yes, yes. I hear the child-less now: “But, it’s not fair!” I used to think the same thing as a non-smoker when smokers would get smoke breaks and I didn’t get breaks that matched. Then I remembered, smokers get breaks now but deal with the consequences later. Parents deal with the consequences now and are asking for a break later. Think of all the productivity! If parents could actually think straight…
Who’s with me?!


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Frost
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 12:52:32

    I feel your pain! My neighbors car alarm went off four times last night 😦
    So this must have been your youngest last night, in the middle of the potty training blues 🙂
    I put a double layer of sheets on the bed (rubber or plastic sheet in the middle) Makes for and easy middle of the night strip down.We only had one accident and were able to move back to the regular bed making, but even the one time it was a life saver as far as time. Then you can just throw the messy sheets in the wash while the kids are eating breakfast and before you head off to work in the morning.


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