WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS PROFANITY AND ADULT MATERIAL.
Shit. Shit. Shit. I knew this day would come. I just prayed, pleaded, begged it wouldn’t be any time soon!
These are the times they don’t warn you about when you’re pregnant. They tell you about diaper changes. Your good friends warn you about “blow outs.” But no one can ever really prepare you for the true and utter awkwardness of the sex talk. And even worse: the surprise sex talk.
I didn’t even see it coming. I went to pick the big kids up from the sitter’s. The first thing my kindergarten son tells me is he’s considering marrying his sitter’s daughter (who is also in his kindergarten class) when they grow up. He emphasized the word “might.” I remember pausing for a second to file that away under “cute” in my brain, cross-referencing the file under “must blog” and “must tell friends.” Before I had a chance to file anything, I was slammed to the ground by the following statement: “We saw (insert name of little neighbor boy here, lets call him John) having sex with his girlfriend.”
WHAT?! Now, I know enough about kids to stop and take a second before delving into the “what the hell?!” questions. This is a fine art:
interogating communicating with children. You must know just how to phrase the questions. I imagine that’s what it’s like being a lawyer. Well, at least that’s what I’ve gathered from watching countless episodes of Law and Order. I digress.
I asked him, “What do you mean you saw “John” having sex?”
With a complete look of impatience he replies, “He was having sex. You know. Sex.”
“And what do you think sex is?” (Please say hugging. Please say hugging.)
Again with the impatient look, “Sex. Kissing, then taking your clothes off.”
Now, let me give you some background. This “John” kid can’t be a day over 12. He goes to school with my kids. They go to a Christian school. Surely no one is having sex. Please. Tell. Me. No one is having sex!
At this point, something shiny catches my son’s eye and I take the opportunity to haul ass upstairs and ask the sitter what the hell is going on. She throws on her coat and comes downstairs and we proceed to tag team interrogate my kindergartener.
“Who’s having sex?”
“Where did you see this?”
‘What did he tell you?”
“Who was the girl?”
“What was her name?”
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
With the help of my son’s maybe future wife, we figured out my son was “joking.” Um, yeah. We had a nice long talk about how that’s not a joke. Nonetheless, my kids suddenly have a newfound knowledge of sex. And I want to know how they know. I ask them in the car ride home.
“Tell me what happened with ‘John.'”
“Well, he met a girl on Spring Break and flirted with her. He said they were going to have sex.” Explains my children.
“How do you know what sex is?” I ask.
“He told us.”
“Is it okay for kids to have sex?” I ask.
“NO,” they sing-song in unison, “Unless you’re a teenager,” finishes my daughter. Considering she’s nine, I put the kabosh on that one real quick.
“Um, no. Who can have sex?” I redirect.
“Grown ups,” they groan.
“Grown ups who love each other very much!” I say before realizing the inevitable is just about to smack me in the face.
And here it comes… wait for it…
“Mommy, do you and (insert name of my boyfriend here) have sex?” questions my six-year-old.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“We, uh… That’s a grown up matter and none of your business.”
“Come on, Mom. Do you have sex?”
“Grown up question, grown up answer.”
We then embarked on a conversation about what would happen if I married (insert name of my boyfriend here) and what relation that would make them to his other children.
Now that the panic is leaving my body… How do you talk to your kids about sex? At what age? What do you do when you are bombarded with a sudden request for information? What do you do when some kid at school fills in the gaps for them? Anyone?