Perfect Pregnant People

I saw a woman today. I’ve seen her a couple of times now. She works at a coffee shop. She is pregnant. Cute pregnant. You know, the kind you smile at and then secretly envy. She told me she’s 31 weeks along, but she looks like I did when I just peed on the stick with my third child. She is what I like to call a Perfect Pregnant Person.

These women are a high-breed. They are the same women who sneeze and pop out a baby. (Thank you, film version of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” for displaying this phenomenon so well.) While I am happy for them, I am also jealous. Envious that their pregnancies make it look so darn easy!

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED LOVEDĀ LOVED being pregnant, but it certainly had its drawbacks. I could fill an entire post with the great parts, and I probably will some day, but for now, indulge me as I list the things that suck in pregnancy when you are not a Perfect Pregnant Person. Oh, and feel free to comment with your own!

***IMPORTANT EDITOR NOTE – I AM NOT NOT NOT PREGNANT!!!!****

    1. CanklesĀ (my friend and coworker used to call me the Michelin Man)
    2. Back fat
    3. Incontinence (wait, that’s the one that means you pee yourself and not the one where you can’t get it up, right?)
    4. Boob leakage
    5. Boob leakage at really inopportune times
    6. Farting
    7. Heart burn
    8. Not being able to see past your own stretch-marked stomach
    9. Stretch marks
    10. Stretch marks on your boobs
    11. Hip pain that wakes you up in the dead of the night
    12. Nothing fits
    13. Feet have gotten fatter, too???
    14. Hairy belly
    15. The roly-poly game you have to partake in, in order to get out of bed
    16. Constant exhaustion
    17. Random smells make you want to vomit
    18. Brushing your teeth makes you want to vomit
    19. Vomiting in random places
    20. People asking you how far along you are…. weeks after you’ve had your baby.

 

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kim
    Oct 07, 2012 @ 22:04:24

    You forgot to mention how perky boobies turn into long boobs, some can tuck their nipples into their own socks ;)

    Reply

    • Mom Land
      Oct 12, 2012 @ 10:08:34

      Kim, not only did I laugh out loud, I then had to read this aloud to my husband. Which, I could barely do, because I was SNORTING laughing so hard. Yes, so SO SO true!

      Reply

  2. cabg
    Oct 10, 2012 @ 20:44:49

    you also forgot “baby brain”, when you become aphasic and can’t finish any sentences or remember basic facts

    Reply

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