I saw a woman today. I’ve seen her a couple of times now. She works at a coffee shop. She is pregnant. Cute pregnant. You know, the kind you smile at and then secretly envy. She told me she’s 31 weeks along, but she looks like I did when I just peed on the stick with my third child. She is what I like to call a Perfect Pregnant Person.
These women are a high-breed. They are the same women who sneeze and pop out a baby. (Thank you, film version of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” for displaying this phenomenon so well.) While I am happy for them, I am also jealous. Envious that their pregnancies make it look so darn easy!
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED LOVED LOVED being pregnant, but it certainly had its drawbacks. I could fill an entire post with the great parts, and I probably will some day, but for now, indulge me as I list the things that suck in pregnancy when you are not a Perfect Pregnant Person. Oh, and feel free to comment with your own!
***IMPORTANT EDITOR NOTE – I AM NOT NOT NOT PREGNANT!!!!****
- Cankles (my friend and coworker used to call me the Michelin Man)
- Back fat
- Incontinence (wait, that’s the one that means you pee yourself and not the one where you can’t get it up, right?)
- Boob leakage
- Boob leakage at really inopportune times
- Heart burn
- Not being able to see past your own stretch-marked stomach
- Stretch marks
- Stretch marks on your boobs
- Hip pain that wakes you up in the dead of the night
- Nothing fits
- Feet have gotten fatter, too???
- Hairy belly
- The roly-poly game you have to partake in, in order to get out of bed
- Constant exhaustion
- Random smells make you want to vomit
- Brushing your teeth makes you want to vomit
- Vomiting in random places
- People asking you how far along you are…. weeks after you’ve had your baby.