Lets Talk About Sex…. Please No!

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS PROFANITY AND ADULT MATERIAL.

 

 

 

 

Shit. Shit. Shit. I knew this day would come. I just prayed, pleaded, begged it wouldn’t be any time soon!

These are the times they don’t warn you about when you’re pregnant. They tell you about diaper changes. Your good friends warn you about “blow outs.” But no one can ever really prepare you for the true and utter awkwardness of the sex talk. And even worse: the surprise sex talk.

I didn’t even see it coming. I went to pick the big kids up from the sitter’s. The first thing my kindergarten son tells me is he’s considering marrying his sitter’s daughter (who is also in his kindergarten class) when they grow up. He emphasized the word “might.” I remember pausing for a second to file that away under “cute” in my brain, cross-referencing the file under “must blog” and “must tell friends.” Before I had a chance to file anything, I was slammed to the ground by the following statement: “We saw (insert name of little neighbor boy here, lets call him John) having sex with his girlfriend.”

WHAT?! Now, I know enough about kids to stop and take a second before delving into the “what the hell?!” questions. This is a fine art: interogating communicating with children. You must know just how to phrase the questions. I imagine that’s what it’s like being a lawyer. Well, at least that’s what I’ve gathered from watching countless episodes of Law and Order. I digress.

I asked him, “What do you mean you saw “John” having sex?”

With a complete look of impatience he replies, “He was having sex. You know. Sex.”

“And what do you think sex is?” (Please say hugging. Please say hugging.)

Again with the impatient look, “Sex. Kissing, then taking your clothes off.”

Now, let me give you some background. This “John” kid can’t be a day over 12. He goes to school with my kids. They go to a Christian school. Surely no one is having sex. Please. Tell. Me. No one is having sex!

At this point, something shiny catches my son’s eye and I take the opportunity to haul ass upstairs and ask the sitter what the hell is going on. She throws on her coat and comes downstairs and we proceed to tag team interrogate my kindergartener.

“Who’s having sex?”

“Where did you see this?”

‘What did he tell you?”

“Who was the girl?”

“What was her name?”

“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”

With the help of my son’s maybe future wife, we figured out my son was “joking.” Um, yeah. We had a nice long talk about how that’s not a joke. Nonetheless, my kids suddenly have a newfound knowledge of sex. And I want to know how they know. I ask them in the car ride home.

“Tell me what happened with ‘John.'”

“Well, he met a girl on Spring Break and flirted with her. He said they were going to have sex.” Explains my children.

“How do you know what sex is?” I ask.

“He told us.”

“Is it okay for kids to have sex?” I ask.

“NO,” they sing-song in unison, “Unless you’re a teenager,” finishes my daughter. Considering she’s nine, I put the kabosh on that one real quick.

“Um, no. Who can have sex?” I redirect.

“Grown ups,” they groan.

“Grown ups who love each other very much!” I say before realizing the inevitable is just about to smack me in the face.
And here it comes… wait for it…

“Mommy, do you and (insert name of my boyfriend here) have sex?” questions my six-year-old.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“We, uh… That’s a grown up matter and none of your business.”

“Come on, Mom. Do you have sex?”

“Grown up question, grown up answer.”

We then embarked on a conversation about what would happen if I married (insert name of my boyfriend here) and what relation that would make them to his other children.

Now that the panic is leaving my body… How do you talk to your kids about sex? At what age? What do you do when you are bombarded with a sudden request for information? What do you do when some kid at school fills in the gaps for them? Anyone?

About these ads

11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Melissa
    Mar 23, 2012 @ 08:51:45

    First kids always know about sex… whither it is the correct process or not, kids are aware and have their own idea about it. With movies and tv today, it is impossible for them NOT to know what is somewhat contains. I had that same talk with my parents when I was little and when I could tell it was getting serious and they were bothered I lied too and said it was a joke, I am totally serious, I did the SAME things with my parents. He probably isn’t joking.

    The problem these days is that parents/adults say it is okay when you really love someone… and a kids with a crush at 14 thinks they are in love and that is why it is okay. That is why “when you are married” you have sex, cause then there is no confusion… sure kids are going to brake that rule … but probably not as early or as easily. When kids are brought it to think, wait till marriage… they hold on longer. “wait till you are really in love”… kids will have no idea what “really in love means” until they have loved and lost several times and find the real deal…. you never know what love really IS until you finally found it…. everything else feels like it, but its it. People say that is out dated, but 13 year old weren’t having sex as much back then.

    Reply

  2. Leigh Anne
    Mar 23, 2012 @ 08:56:03

    Honesty, honesty, honesty! I can not stress that enough. My kids range from 8 to 15 and from an early age we always answered any questions they had honestly. I would rather they come to me or their Dad and not their friends. This goes for more than just sex questions. I talk to my kids about drugs, alcohol, strangers, texting, driving, etc….
    Communication and honesty is the key.
    Be sure to only answer the question they are asking and not give them to much information for their age.
    My older 2 decided they wanted to have the “sex” talk when Dad was deployed….lucky me! (That was several years ago)

    Reply

    • Mom Land
      Mar 23, 2012 @ 12:55:29

      Leigh Anne, So did they ever ask you flat out if you have sex? It’s different now that I’m single. If I were still married, I think I’d be more at ease to answer those questions.

      Reply

  3. Sara
    Mar 23, 2012 @ 10:21:23

    It’s a shame you’re not able to express yourself without the profanity.

    Reply

    • Mom Land
      Mar 23, 2012 @ 12:57:37

      Sara, It is a shame. I work at it. However, it’s how I think. That is exactly what I was thinking at that moment. I don’t lie on this blog and I don’t pull any punches. I write so other moms and dads can see there are other parents going through the same things they are. Sometimes, my honesty is a little too much for some people. I chose to use a swear word (mind you, it’s one we hear on TV) because that was the panicked feeling I was having at the time. I’m sorry if you were offended by it.

      Reply

  4. Frost
    Mar 23, 2012 @ 13:35:44

    The best answer is always to lead by example. I agree with Leigh Anne when it comes to being honest with your children (as long as you remain “G” rated).
    If you choose to show you children a wholesome, moral, happy lifestyle you will find that you are rewarded with children who make proper decisions, and are not afraid to come to you with question. I think we have all witness the parents who act out in front of their children in inappropriate ways, and then are shocked when their children’s behavior is not as they had hoped. “What! you are shocked your child said that!, but just yesterday I heard you say…..” yes, I think we have all heard and witnessed this a million times, and as hard as we tried our eyebrows would not stay in place.
    Children, are a product of their environment, they do what they see and witness. And as we all know they they say and mimic what they hear. Why? because they have yet to learn that it is not appropriate or “may hurt someone’s feelings”.
    And yes I also agree with you Sara!!! its not something to have to think so harshly about. And as parents we always need to be prepared for the good times and the bad. So I always have a backlog of words in my mental vocabulary that I keep on hand for such occasions “rummplestockings” “willywonkers” there are a whole list you can come up with that if you keep in your “kid backlog profanity file” not only will it keep them laughing, but sometimes it changes the subject for awhile until you can take a breath and think about the right approach. :-)

    Reply

    • Mom Land
      Mar 23, 2012 @ 14:39:53

      Frost, Working on editing my tongue. Journalists are kind of like sailors…
      I certainly didn’t mean to offend any readers. Just writing like I think.
      Next time I stub my toe, I’ll replace the foul language with ‘WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY!’ and hopefully not follow up it up with the bad words…

      Reply

  5. AK Mom doin' the best she can!
    Mar 26, 2012 @ 14:55:17

    I appreciate your “tell it like it is” blog and when the shit hits the fan, that is what one should say. I try really hard to keep my potty mouth in check, but some times “willy wonka” is sooo not going to cut it. However, “flippin’ (“You are flippin killing me!”) sometimes does :)
    On the whole sex topic-go to a Christian bookstore & find a book about sex for tweens. It is very helpful, let’s you get a starting point & gives your kids a resource when the have questions that they don’t want to come out & say. I still talk about sex as often as possible to my kids, but the books really help. However, I learned the hard way & some of the books at B & N are way too liberal for me & what I want my kids to learn at 10. Tidlewave has an entire section on this, just read through them first so you know what you are preaching.

    Reply

    • Mom Land
      Mar 26, 2012 @ 16:28:52

      AK Mom, Thank you! There are times it does hit the fan. And, I don’t often keep my mouth in check. Thanks for the suggestion about the Christian bookstore. AND the part about reading it through first. Oh yes, I’ve learned my lesson on the importance of the pre-read!

      Reply

  6. Trackback: I Don’t Want You Playing With That Kid Anymore « Mom Land

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 360 other followers

%d bloggers like this: